Breaking Brad: Alamo Drafthouse showing 31 straight days of horror films. Nebraska-Northern Illinois up first

Brad Dickson’s humor column, “Breaking Brad,” appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter. * Gov.

Pete Ricketts will host a steak fry on Oct.

8. The steak fry has long been a political staple in the Midwest. Sort of like breaking all your campaign promises.

* In this era of political town halls, the goal is clearly to keep the voters’ mouths full so they can’t shout obscenities. * Nebraska has been ranked the fifth-happiest state, according to a WalletHub survey. This leads me to the conclusion that the keys to happiness are mosquitoes and high property taxes.

* Saturday at the Husker football game vs. Rutgers, the newly crowned homecoming king proposed to the homecoming queen. The way this season has gone, the ring was then intercepted.

* Fans saw a guy down on one knee at a football game and began booing. * The Durham Museum flew in a George Washington impersonator who proved very popular. Not as popular: the Chip Maxwell impersonator.

* The Durham flew in a George Washington impersonator. This is not to be confused with the 35 Ronald Reagan impersonators in the Unicameral. * Ralston has paid a bond with keno proceeds. Ralston is that rare place where people prove their civic pride by losing at keno.

* In October the Alamo Drafthouse in La Vista is showing 31 straight days of horror flicks. This still isn’t as frightening as following the Husker football team. * Two people are in custody after a driver led the State Patrol on a chase through three counties.

Or, as that’s called in Omaha, “pretty much any detour.” * UNO has acquired a 9-foot-long concert piano. It’s taking up the last two remaining open parking spaces on campus. * The World-Herald restaurant critic reviewed a food truck.

Classic: At the end of the review, under “address” it read “various locations.” * It’s not your imagination: Many of our favorite restaurants in town are on wheels. * Doug McDermott has been traded to the Knicks.

He’s philosophical. At least the New York City traffic isn’t as bad as Omaha’s. * The Omaha Police Department threw a retirement party for an 18-year-old horse named Blaze.

Something may be askew in our police department when a horse receives a retirement party and a human officer defecated out in the open. * An Omaha police sergeant retired after he was accused of leaving his fecal matter out in the open. Your tax dollars at work.

* The World Wildlife Fund reported that 163 new species were found in 2015. And that was just walking through a dark room at the Henry Doorly Zoo. “Here is the miniature dwarf Ethiopian eel.” * A local pumpkin patch is advertising pig races and loud explosions.

What more could any human want? * It’s not your imagination. President Trump has apparently stopped thinking about Kim Jong Un and North Korea to focus on Steph Curry and the Buffalo Bills. * Forty-four years ago last week, Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs.

I picture Hillary Clinton: “Those were the days.” * The GOP is still trying to repeal Obamacare. The Little Engine That Could: “Throw in the towel already.”

* Members of the Optimists Club: “Give it up, GOP. This won’t work.” * Students at Oberlin College are trying to have all grades of C and below abolished.

Who says college students today don’t believe in causes? * People are now applying snail slime to their faces to look younger. There is one tiny drawback.

Small children flee from you while shouting, “Mommy has snail crap on her face!” * The best man at a wedding in the U.K. was reading his speech too close to a candle when it caught fire. I hereby proclaim this the “Best Best Man Speech Ever.”

* There is a movement to upgrade prison cells in the U.S. to luxury levels. You know something is wrong in the world when convicted felons have better accommodations than people who use Airbnb. * The movie “It” has earned over £370 million at the worldwide box office.

It’s the feel-good summer movie about a murderous clown who lives in the sewer. * Mars researchers have just emerged from a long seclusion. Shawn Eichorst: “You too?”

* How important is it for Mike Riley to make a quick turnaround in the Husker football program? Look for all redshirts to be lifted by Friday. * I like Husker football coach Mike Riley. But right now he probably regrets moving out of that hotel.

* Right now Husker coach Mike Riley must feel just like Mr. Green Jeans after Captain Kangaroo got axed. * Colin Kaepernick is now bald from pulling out his own hair after checking Andy Dalton’s passer efficiency rating.

* NBA player Zach Randolph has avoided jail time for a marijuana arrest. Sure, you can’t put every NBA player who uses marijuana behind bars. You think jail overcrowding is a problem now …

* The Internet is going bonkers for a 6-foot-9 model.

She’s expected to be the first runway model selected by the Brooklyn Nets in the NBA draft … correction: She’d be the third runway model selected by the Nets in the NBA draft.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.